Expectations, expectations, and more expectations.
And how unspoken expectations make consent fucking hard...
Expectations and consent inextricably linked.
We’re constantly confronted with our own or other people’s expectations. Some of them are cultural, some come from the specific households we grew up in, some are societal…
A lot of hidden and unspoken expectations hide behind what we’ve been taught to see as manners. And another bunch sit quietly behind norms that have been so normalised we barely notice them. Monogamy, for example, often carries the expectation that a couple will follow a very specific path of escalation: get together, be exclusive, center the relationship, move in, marry, then children. In other relationship formats, expectations are just as present—they’re simply a little less obvious or a bit more varied. Lately, I’ve been struck a lot by how often people get frustrated about things and then when you asked them if they’ve addressed them they just say something like “no, it’s obvious you don’t do that” or, “they should know, why do I need to say it?” or, “but that’s just common knowledge being a good friend/partner…”
And I’m not excluding myself from saying these sentences but I’ve realised, especially through consent-work that it just leads to little more than unnecessary frustration and exclusion. So I try to be more transparent about expectations and usually you only realised you had expectations in the moment they are not met for the first time. That’s when you can decide whether to address it or not. Sometimes it’s just not important enough to you and that’s fine.
So conflicts and frustrations often arise because expectations aren’t spoken out loud—sometimes not even to ourselves. And the thing is in the moment we’re just expecting people to do things we’re not giving them the opportunity to consent or know what they are up against and then they’ll just be confronted with our disappointment afterwards. Not really fair I’d say.
A few examples:
Communication over the phone: Maybe you’re someone who replies quickly, because you feel that not answering is disrespectful. For you, 2–3 days is the limit, anything longer feels wrong without an explanation. Another person might need more time—they’d rather give each message proper attention than reply in passing. For them, a week might feel normal. Unless you’ve spelled this out to each other, those two approaches will clash. Even if you’ve said “I take time to respond,” that can mean completely different things to different people.
How often you want to have sex.
Who pays for dates.
How often to clean the flat.
How tidy common spaces should be.
How often children “should” call or visit their parents.
How to dress for the opera, cinema, or fancy dinner.
The importance of punctuality.
Expecting friends or partners to always take your side in conflicts.
Or take transparency in dating. For you, transparency about seeing other people might feel essential right from the start. For someone else, unless exclusivity is on the table, that kind of sharing may not even occur to them. If transparency is important for you, say so early on. Then you know what you’re asking for, and the other person can choose whether or not to meet you there.
Another good one: hosting people. Maybe you love hosting, you show your guests the kitchen and tell them, “help yourself.” For you, that offer comes with an invisible add-on: please contribute something back, even just a bottle of wine or replacing what you’ve used. If they don’t, you feel frustrated. But what if they grew up believing that good manners mean accepting your word literally and not insisting on paying anything? Again, it’s not about right or wrong—it’s about different starting points. And when expectations aren’t voiced, disappointment creeps in.
It can feel much easier to be the “generous host” who says, “Make yourself at home,” than to add, “I’d also appreciate it if you could contribute a bit to the shopping.” Because the second version comes with vulnerability: the risk of being seen as less generous, the discomfort of stating your needs. But it’s fair to ask. Especially if resources are tight. And that’s true whether it’s about being a host or any over the other points. Sometimes it seems easier to leave expectations unspoken because you don’t have to “out” your desires, needs, preferences, believes…whatever it is. And you can choose not to address any of it because it’s not that important to you but then remember that choice before you get frustrated..
So: having expectations isn’t the problem. Assuming others share them—or demanding they always meet them—is. You can name your expectations openly. Others can share theirs. Sometimes you’ll find common ground, sometimes you’ll let go, sometimes you’ll choose generosity even if it stings a little. The important part is that you’re making a choice—rather than being silently ruled by assumptions.
Looking ahead
These are some of the questions I’ll be exploring in the upcoming workshops: how hidden expectations show up in daily life, how they connect to boundaries, and how consent can give us tools to navigate them with more clarity, honesty, and care.
Here’s what’s coming up (description is in Spanish cause Workshops will be in Spanish). I’ll be offering an in-person Workshop in London in November!!!!
Check out consentrebels.com for more info on the workshops.
Sign up through consentrebels@gmail.com
Taller Introductorio: Más allá del sí o el no - consentimiento como camino al autoconocimiento
📍 Reflejo 44
📅 26.09, 18.30–21.30h
Este taller está dirigido a quienes buscan emprender un viaje de sanación íntima, tanto con unx mismx como con otrxs.
Te invito a una inmersión introductoria en el consentimiento como práctica para fomentar el cuidado mutuo y la interdependencia. A través de ejercicios y reflexiones, exploraremos cómo el consentimiento se conecta con la autoconciencia, los límites y el respeto mutuo, ofreciéndote herramientas para aplicar en tus relaciones y vida diaria.
Ciclo de Talleres en La Repunantinha (2025–2026)
Un recorrido para reconectar con tu voz, tu cuerpo y tus relaciones desde el consentimiento, la honestidad y la interdependencia.
📍 La Repunantinha, Barcelona
📅 12, 19, 26 Noviembre 2025; 11, 18, 25 Enero 2026; 13, 20, 27 Mayo 2026
Este ciclo de tres módulos está pensado como una experiencia de aprendizaje continua que entrelaza cuerpo, palabra, cuidado y práctica colectiva. Puedes apuntarte a un solo módulo o a los tres. Cada módulo contiene tres talleres de dos horas.
(Si nunca has hecho un taller de consentimiento, te recomiendo —aunque no es obligatorio— participar en el Taller Introductorio en Reflejo 44 en septiembre antes de sumarte al ciclo.)
Mini-Ciclo: Soltar lo que no puedo controlar – Perfeccionismo
Dos talleres independientes, pero más potentes en conjunto:
📍 La Raposa, Barcelona
📅 Octubre 3 y 10 (2025)
📧 Inscripción: consentrebels@gmail.com
Taller 1: Perfeccionismo y la práctica del consentimiento
Taller 2: Confianza, autoconfianza, encontrar tu voz
Beyond Yes and No: Consent as a Journey Toward Knowing Oneself
📍 LGBTQ+ Community Centre, London, UK
📅 November 15th, 3–6pm
Somatic Consent: Conectando con nuestros cuerpos ✨
(un seminario de dos días dirigido a personas trans, no binarias, intersex y genderqueer)
📍 La Bassa Mar, Spain
📅 Noviembre 29 y 30 (2025)
Un fin de semana para escuchar profundamente a nuestros cuerpos en la naturaleza y a través del movimiento. Este seminario invita a explorar la sabiduría de tu cuerpo y tu propia voz.